Cupid at Work

Posted 09.14.2007 in Ying Thai

MeetNLunch recently conducted a poll and found that as many as 50% of working Thais between the ages of 25 and 40 have been involved with a co-worker, and half of that 50% wound up getting married. But for many who have experienced it, office romance can be risky business – both emotionally and professionally.  Not that it stops many of us from taking a shot; in fact, some Thai companies even encourage it! “My manager was trying to set me up with my colleague, but I wasn’t interested” said a VP at one of the Thai security brokerage firm, who claimed that this colleague is now seeing somebody else at work. Some Thai companies see an upside to romance in the office that they will have happy employees, which means they are likely to stay with the companies longer.  When people are happy they tend to be more productive and have fewer issues. When partners work for the same employer, they have someone they can talk with about their activities and problems at work who understands and can help them resolve those issues.   Most of us spend at least 40 hours a week at work; it’s inevitable that we grow close to our colleagues. A good working environment can help forge a strong friendship. The workplace also has some advantages over other venues for meeting potential dates. It’s a safer environment than a bar or a night club. You get to know someone day in and day out and see what they are like in the real world.   But as many people have found out, dating in the workplace also can be laden with more troubles than the typical romance since it carries the possibility of interfering with your job, and you are putting your professional reputation on the line.  Many international companies in Thailand discourage romantic relationships in the workplace. I have heard of people being transferred to another department or been made to resign when the relationships were disclosed. One misstep can have a career-altering effect.

  And why do many international companies frown upon it?  In more developed countries such as the U.S. or the U.K., many organizations and companies have had to endure sexual-harrassment lawsuits when relationships turn sour, or workers sue or complain when a colleague receives preferential treatment stemming from a romantic affair with a supervisor. Remember Wolfowitz’s hanky panky at the World Bank-y?  Sexual-harrassment lawsuits in the workplace in Thailand are rare, but this doesn’t mean sexual harrassment is uncommon.  I suspect that Thai women who have been harassed are embarrassed and prefer not to be under a spot light, and would rather quit the job. This was definitely the case with somebody I knew whom resigned after her manager wouldn’t stop putting his arms around her, instead of confronting the situation with the company’s higher authority.   The greatest problem with office dating is that it’s impossible to avoid the power aspect of your relationship. Ask someone who is a subordinate to go out on a date and you’ve crossed the line, you’ve compromised your professionalism and put them into an extremely difficult situation.  Do they say yes because you’re higher ranked (or, worse, their boss)? Do they say no and then fear for their job and/or evaluations thereafter? The trite cliché of the boss and his secretary (rarely the boss and her secretary) is problematic for exactly this reason: is the secretary saying yes because she fears for her long term employment prospects or because she thinks the boss is wonderful? Let’s face it, no matter how well the relationship is going; the situation itself is a recipe for disaster. But many do it – or at least thinks about it. So here are guidelines to help develop a successful office romance before embarking on a bit of an office fling.

Think about it

·          Do check your company’s official policy on office dating and romantic relationships. In addition, some companies will have rules against hiring a spouse or another member of your family, which could have implications if things went well in your relationship.  

·          Do keep it discreet especially before you figure out whether it will turn into something more substantial or not.  Keeping quiet while testing out the relationship is also a test of maturity and your ability to handle an office romance.  In other words, no flirtatious office emails exchange or cuddling in the office kitchen.  If you can’t behave professionally when relationships are rosy, it doesn’t bode well for your ability to keep professionalism if the relationships turn sour. 

·          Keep it off the emails! Many people forget that your emails are a public trail you are leaving behind. In most companies there are compliance departments that randomly review emails for inappropriate activity. In addition, if a boss or ex wanted to be vindictive, these would be perfect ammo. 

Romance has blossom

·          Do be frank with the person you are interested in and discuss what would happen in the event of a breakup.  And if you are dating your supervisor or sub-ordinate, and if the relationship works out, one of you may be forced to move into a different position at the company.  Chances are it will be the less senior person who makes a transfer.   

 ·          Do not talk with other people about your romance. In small offices in particular, work romances can easily become the hot topic at the water cooler. To hold the gossip to a minimum, keep your relationship as private as you can. Just because you might be dating someone at work doesn’t mean that you are dating everyone in the office. Keep things professional. Never show public displays of affection or send love e-mails to each other.  

It’s looking good 

·          Do inform the boss once you and your partner have decided that this is a relationship with real long-term potential.  Your boss would rather hear it from you than from the rumor mill.   

·          Do stay on top of your professional goals.  This is your career, regardless of whether your boyfriend or girlfriend is involved too, and you don’t want to get so swept away by a new relationship that you start underperforming. 

It’s down the bin 

·          Do no seek revenge.  Who ever got dumped will be hurt like hell, and they will have to endure seeing their ex at work.  At this stage avoid drama, and this includes everything from telling everyone what a hopeless lover your ex was to criticizing his/hers work. Stick pins into your ex picture at home if you want to, but at work behave beautifully.   

It’s down the aisle. Congratulation for making it this far! But there are very few couples who can be together 24-7, and still can pull off a good marriage. Certainly, Thai marriages don’t need any more help falling apart (as seen in the increasing divorce rate). Adding the dimension of working together seems to only add downside. There are also pragmatic reasons not to work together, including the risk of putting all your financial eggs in one basket. Both partners getting laid off because they work at the same company doesn’t sound like the most financially romantic plan.   

How Long Does it Last?Of Those Who Dated at the Office…               

Went On:

16%                                                        Just 1-2 Dates

46%                                                        Several weeks/months

13%                                                        Dated for several years

25%                                                        To Get Married