What does a successful guy looks for in woman?

Posted 02.13.2008 in Matchmaker's Diary

First of all, I have to explain that this client of mine is a very successful business man and a very nice person, and I have been very happy working for him over the year.  He wrote me a very clear feedback this morning about his second date with  the 7th girl he met through my service, and I wanted to share this with you because I think it is what most guys will look for too:

“I had dinner wth k. A last night.  Whilst she’s a super nice woman, sadly I don’t think it’s going to work.

Having gone through the process of meeting seven women, I think I now understand a lot better what is and what is not going to work for me.  Let me see if I can explain. (yes, he can explain judging from the length of this letter)

The key point, I think, is that the things I’m looking for fall into two quite different categories, which I’ll call must-haves and nice-to-haves. While I have a long laundry list of nice-to-haves, I’ve really only got two must-haves, which are intellect and physical attractiveness. The distinguishing feature of the must-haves is that I would rather stay single than have a relationship with somebody that didn’t have _both_ the must-haves.  The nice-to-haves are quite different, in that, although they are all positive factors, none of them is essential; I absolutely do not need somebody to have all or even most of the nice-to-haves.  They just need to have some of them.  Furthermore, no amount of wonderfulness on the nice-to-have front can compensate for lack of the must-haves.

K. A’s a good example of this. She’s ticks an amazingly high proportion of the nice-to-have boxes, but she’s not there on the must-haves.  k. P’s another good example.  She remains the one of the seven who I was most interested in, because she was strongest on the must-haves, although she probably had fewer than k. A of the nice-to-haves.

Let me expand a little bit on my must-haves.

First, there’s intellect.  By this I don’t mean education or knowledge, but more intelligence and intellectual self-confidence.  The acid test for me is whether she can have a rational argument with me and win her case.  She should be opinionated, and be able to rationally defend her opinions.  I don’t want somebody who’s an intellectual doormat; I have got to be able to respect her intellectually. For me, intellect is the key quality that would sustain the relationship beyond the initial lovey-dovey stage.  Unfortunately, this quality is often kind of hard to figure out on a short first meeting.   I only start to feel I get a handle on it on a second meeting.  One indicator of intellect is her undergraduate education: for example, if she got the equivalent of a first at a good UK university, then she probably does have the kind of intellect that I’m looking for; on the other hand, if she didn’t, she still might very well have it.  (I should emphasize I don’t care about her educational qualifications per se.) Another indicator is whether she likes to read.

Second, there’s physical attractiveness.  By this I don’t mean that she has to be stunningly beautify, but there has to be a spark of attraction. There has to be that initial ปิ๊ง (did I spell that right?).  Whereas I can say in an instant whether I find somebody physically attractive, I think it’s hard for you to judge: somebody who you felt was attractive, I might feel was unattractive and vice-versa.  Perhaps the most important objective indicator is build: I’ve observed that I am much more attracted to women who are on the skinny side.  A problem here I think is age.  I do find lots and lots of Thai women attractive, but typically they’re in their twenties rather than their thirties.  Whilst 30 or 31 is about the optimal age from a compatibility perspective, I think the chances of my finding a woman physically attractive are significantly higher if she’s 28 rather than 31.  Another objective indicator is being Asian. Note that I don’t care about skin color.

The two must-haves both need to be present.  There’s a threshold level that needs to be passed on both.  However stunningly attractive a woman is, there’s no real chance of a long-term relationship if she’s thick.  Similarly, no matter how intellectually brilliant a woman is, if there’s no spark of physical attraction, I’m not going to be interested.  But once the threshold levels have been passed, the must-haves can compensate for each other to a certain extent: it’s the sum of the two that will get me really interested.

Actually there are a couple more must-haves: she must be trustworthy and respectable.  But judging by the women you’ve introduced me to so far, I think anybody you picked would be fine on this front. In fact, I’ve been really impressed in this respect: every single one of the women you’ve introduced me to has been somebody who I felt I could be trust and somebody who I would be proud to have as my wife; there was not even one where there was even a hint of flakiness.

Moving on to the nice-to-haves, let me emphasize again that I’m not expecting somebody to have all or even most of these.  Having just some of them is enough.

- It’s a really big plus if she’s a “nice” person.  Note that even this is not a must-have. I’m OK with somebody with character flaws (I certainly have my share) so long as they have the must-haves that I want.

- It’s a big plus if she’s spent a year or more abroad.

- It’s a plus if she’s done a lot of travelling.

- It’s a plus is she has some knowledge of/interest in Western culture.

- It’s a big plus if she’s still very Thai, in spite of any time abroad.

- It’s a big plus if she’s เรียบร้อย.

- It’s a big plus if she has nice family.

- It’s a plus if she likes a wide variety of different cuisines, rather than just Thai.

- It’s a plus if she drinks the occasional glass of wine.

- It’s a plus if she’s interested in politics.

- It’s a big plus if she has some degree of social consciousness, and is interested in helping people less fortunate than herself.

- It’s a plus if she’s not too materialistic.

- It’s a plus if she’s at a point in her life where she’s ready to settle down and have children, and ready to prioritize having a family over pursuing her career.

Bottom line: if I haven’t yet exhausted your patience, I would be happy to meet some more women.

However, I would encourage you to be _less_ selective and let me meet a wider variety of women.  I am happy to spend the time and money to do this. The things that I believe are of fundamental importance to me are things that I think it is hard for you to select for.  I wouldn’t want you to rule out the woman who might be the right one for me, just on the basis that you weren’t sure that they had my must-have qualities or that they ticked only a few of the nice-to-have boxes.  I’m only expecting somebody who you think _might_ have both my must-have qualities, and has _some_ of my nice-to-have qualities.

Does this all make any sense to you?

B”

The thing is, I really like a clear feedback like this.  It made it easier to know what the clients are looking for. I told k. B that I’ll try my best!